Thursday, April 1, 2010

A public admission

Hello My friends! *sighs* Yet again it has been a while since I wrote. Then when I did it was to talk about the death of my poor bunny. So, I am going to write this quick post and then write another post to drown out this one because I really hate to bring people down. (ETA: it's not as short as I thought it would be so feel free to skip it.)

It may not be obvious to the people that read this blog but I have a condition that millions of people have. For YEARS I really thought I could just make myself work. I felt like I was just being a lazy slack ass. That really deep inside I had all these brilliant (or at least really decent) ideas and all I had to do was make myself do it. Maybe I just needed to be more organized. Perhaps if I learned to structure my day better by scheduling my time I could totally capitalize on the GENIUS that was my brain. (Yes, I do think highly of myself at times.)

Sadly, as I grew up, finished college, married (and adopted my then stepson) I realized that my life wasn't going to work out that way. See, I was constantly switching modes (and stress only made it worse.) I would hear my husband say something and just snap. Sometimes there was a point to it but more often than not I just associated the comment wrongly in my head. I always felt like I was being attacked even when he was being encouraging. I was always tired minus a few good days any given month. Seriously, I was all drama. Of course I managed to keep the main damage at home. However, it was stressful trying to be Ms. Personal at work and that just upped the ante whenever I was home. Eventually it got worse. I knew it was bad when everything my son said grated my nerves, ever thing my husband said grated my nerves and everything I did just sucked, all the time!

So I finally went back to the doctor. I say back because every time I previously went I was doped up on medications that made me feel like crap and gave me extremely poor sleep including vivid and scary dreams. Starting in college I was diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, Anxiety and Bi-polar. Really it shouldn't have been surprising that I would need medication to help with the day to day tasks of life. I can't even begin to count how many times my mom said "It's not fair for everyone to have to tiptoe around you like you are on eggshells." Or better yet, the number of times I was told I was throwing a temper tantrum... so much so one of my sisters wrote the definition and taped it to her door. (We're not talking under the age of ten either.)

So a few years ago I went back to the doctor to seek help. He was just a general practitioner but I felt comfortable with him and described my problems. I also made it very clear that while I was willing to take medicine, I was not willing to be doped up all the time "trying to find" the medicine that was best for me. I was working full time and was the sole income provider so I couldn't miss time from work for crazy side effects.

Well, the first difference was that the doctor said that all my symptoms were classic signs of depression. Depression! Ding Ding Ding! Hell, I can deal with that but why did people keep telling me bi-polar. Did you know if your depressed you have to take different medications then those with Bi-Polar? If your misdiagnosed and take the wrong meds it can have serious side affects. So, after talking through my previous trials and errors we discovered one medicine I had taken in small doses during college that didn't have bad side effects. And it was an antidepressant dammit! All that wasted time on bi-polar meds that were screwing me up and making it hard to navigate the day... harder than before.

Well, I took medicine for the depression for around two years and then I lost my job. My prescription, thankfully, didn't run out for another 6 months. Sadly, I could afford the prescription itself on the unemployment income, but it was the office visit to the doctor that was out of the question. Then we considered the Health Department but unfortunately there was like a 3 month wait on appointments and I just kept thinking I would get a job by then so I could go back to my regular doctor.

That didn't happen and that hasn't happened. So now I am here. Sometimes its a few days and other times its a few weeks. Most of the time it is somewhere in between. I don't know if it was worse before, when I didn't know or if it is worse now that I know it can be better. I can actually fly into a rage and midway through know I'm being irrational and still not be able to stop myself. That hurts. It hurts me and its not fair to my husband or my son.

We finally got up the courage to call the Health Department again and I have an appointment in approximately 2 weeks. I both dread it and look forward to it. I'm just tired right now. I feel lost a lot of the time. What I really want right now is to be in the mental position I was a year ago. True, I was without a job but I was more together than I had been in years. I just want that feeling back.

So don't worry if I don't post for long periods of time. I'm still around just not in the mood for in depth conversations. Hopefully by the end of this month I won't have to worry about that as much though. Seriously, I'm naturally very talkative... so much so, as evidenced by the nature of this post. I've just been feeling painfully honest and needed to get it out. Tonight seemed as good as any but I promise not to write such dark posts in the future. Cross your fingers and wish me luck. Thanks!


CraftyRichela said...

I wish you more than luck. I wish you a thousand sunny days and warm, happy thoughts. And keep writing, moving, and doing whatever keeps you from your dark places.xxoxR

Jay said...

I knew I had married a beautiful, intelligent, and creative woman, but your bravery and honesty still astonish me after 10 years.